When people write I assume they tend to have a plan.
To be honest though, by the end of the plan I tend to find myself bored of the characters, and since I've already been through the story I can't be bothered to flesh it out.... I already know it deep down in me somewhere. Maybe that's the problem; I don't have the passion to tell everyone else. How would I even know if they appreciate it? I can't even have absolute proof that other's have a consciousness the same as my own. Well, I may take the fact that I can connect with certain people so strongly as potential evidence. Otherwise I suppose it would only be lust. Then again, I may just have a strange enjoyment out of making sacrifices for others, so I can't accept it as proof.
I have enjoyed my experience of love though. My heart jumping at the orange flash where I find out my love is talking to me, and the melting inside when they say they love me too, the contentedness of when we video chat. I'm afraid its long distance... but I feel that the rollercoaster that comes with this has been something of a blessing really. I feel stronger. My love has only increased.
Then there's the future. I just did some career tests to see what I should be. It made my skin crawl. Strictly speaking I realise that they are entirely inaccurate because a) I lie to myself and b) they tend to have such a large list of possibilities that it would be hard not to find something I fancied...
I did this to see if I could see a future for myself and girlfriend. Well, I haven’t ruled out a future with her, though I do feel she is sceptical. I try to stay positive, because I just feel like we can do it somehow... I share this information with her, and she responds positively though with a tough sense of realism which I tend to respect and eventually accept. She helps me in this way. I feel like I've grown a lot knowing her. I know I've not always been perfect, that she's disappointed in me at times (if not often), but I tell myself you can only learn through mistakes. I can only hope she sees that I am learning where I can, and that it’s for her.
Do I sound obsessed? I feel obsessed. Well, don't we all obsess?
I know people addicted to video games, drugs, reading, etc. When you are in a relationship with someone you see every day, I'm sure it's easy to balance your life. When I feel on edge at times, and tend to over-react and be emotional this balance comes at a loss of short term peace of mind. It will come I'm sure.
I forgot to mention though. I'll see my girlfriend soon. I'm very glad at this. In fact I feel that this writing becomes simply a self-pitying and worthless task. I remove myself from your presence; no doubt you have your own story to write. Life is its own story for everyone and we all direct ourselves but also each other. So all our lives are like one large collage, made from each of our own lives. It’s just too bad that we can never see it from that far away. The only pieces of art we see are small fragments of an overall picture. Whether it’s a mess or a masterpiece is all a matter of opinion. Well, that's art isn’t it? =）
